On Being a Mom

You turn 18.
"Where are you going to college?"
You turn 22.
"What are you going to do for a living?"
You turn 25.
"When are you getting married?"
14 seconds later,
"When are you having babies?"

And then once your lil' dude pops into the world, it's all, "When are you having the next one?"
And I'm all, "When I can sneeze without my v-j-j hurting, or when she can read, whichever comes first."

But, one of my all-time fave questions since having a baby is, "Has becoming a mom changed you?"
Oh, has it, internet friends!
At my 7-week postpartum check-up, my OB/GYN congratulated me on losing the 25lbs that comprised the lil' dude and her house and all her fetal stuff. She even mentioned the additional 7lbs I lost on top of that.
"But . . . why don't my jeans fit me then? Like, at all?" I asked, pulling up my V.S. sweats.
"Little Dude's Mama, you are now a Woman. Having a baby has made you a Woman," said the doc.
I wondered to myself what Mrs. Skogen, my 7th grade health teacher, was talking about then, about becoming a woman during puberty?

Being a mom has changed me in that I now own a soft, squishy mom-roll. That. Won't. Budge. When I go to the gym, I feel obliged to read "Parents" on the Elliptical so people Know why my body looks the way it does. I wish the chick on the stair-climber yesterday morning at 5:15am (AM, as in, Morning, as in, not PM) with ASS SWEAT already would read a magazine called "Starving" so I would know why her body looks the way it does. It'd be helpful and make it easier to make snap judgments, no?

Being a mom has changed me in that I now head straight for the baby section in each and every store I go to. But, just because things are littlier does not mean they are any less expensive.

Being a mom has changed me in that I now think of more creative ways to swear.

Being a mom has changed me in that I now found myself liking a new John Mayer song. Seriously? Then, days later, I caught myself like the new Coldplay song.

Being a mom has changed me in that I now have all sorts of annoying voices. And words, especially anything that starts with "missy" or ends with "pants". Example: "I wuv you, you wittle missy cutie-pants!" Barf. I know.

Being a mom has changed me in that I sleep more. That's right, more. Being prego + sleeping = not happenin'. Since 5 days post-birth, the lil' dude has slept 9, 10, 11, even 12 hours at night. No, I will not tell you what we feed her.

Being a mom has changed me in that I love my husband more than ever. God, the things he does for me, the house, the babe. He should have more sex.

Being a mom has changed me in that I have become (even more) sentimental. I heart all the hand-me-down toys and books which adorn her nursery. I love the bonnets and dresses and quilts that were mine as a babe and are now hers. I love bringing the lil' dude to spend time with her g-grandparents.

Being a mom has changed me in that I think the TV is too loud. I automatically turn down the V anytime I enter a room, whether or not the lil' dude is present. But, you'll be happy to know I still love to drive with the radio on the obscene volume level- not when I am chauffeuring the kid around though.

So far, I am proud of the changes I have undergone, and feel honored to be Mama to such a kick-ass person. I am also proud I haven't taken motherhood to The Next Level. My license plate does not read "Lil' Dude's Mom" nor do I discuss poop colors with strangers at Walgreen's. I haven't hunkered down in the house and refused to leave the babe with anyone except me. I haven't started wearing clogs nor have I abandoned my reality shows on MTV. That's all crazy-talk!