Thursday, July 17, 2008

Protecting Her Innocence

Do you remember when you consciously made the decision to start putting thought into the underpants you wear?
I mean, when you stopped thinking plain white was good enough. When you added colored underpants to your life?

Who today owns plain white full-butt panties? The white Pink brand from VS does not count because the trim is colored, and because there is a pink dog stitched onto the hip. You see? None of you. You are all sluts. And I prefer you that way. But I digress . . .

I made a startling discovery last night during bath time. As I was was lotioning and pajamaing the lil' dude, I grabbed for a diaper in the drawer of her changing table. There is one row of Swaddlers size 2-3 left to use, and a row of new Cruisers size 3 that will be her next diaper. She will never wear a Swaddler diaper again. She is out of sizes. That is not the startling discovery, however; I have seen this coming. Her cute butt cheeks get plumper and plumper. It's simple science. What follows is my gruesome discovery.

Note the simplicity of the Swaddler diaper, the pure babyness of it. A white diaper. The band at the top has cherubic little baby Elmo, happily and pudgily playing away. He himself is wearing a wee diaper of his very own. This diaper and this Elmo were made for baby. I chose these diapers as the lil' dude's diapers of choice because they were the softest and sweetest and the most baby-like diapers out there. One little yellow band of color with either baby Elmo or baby Zoe (I don't know her, she was not on Sesame Street in the '80s) portraying life as sweet, calm, and serene as can be. The Swaddlers size N diapers the lil' dude used in the hospital (to shit out black tar) had a little line on the front that turned from yellow to green when wet. It was a newbie parent's easy way of telling if baby needed to be changed. Little did we know only hospitals' Swaddlers have that feature, and we were stuck with our size N diapers from Target without the pee line on them. I don't know if she is wet. Can you feel it? Why don't you try smelling it. I don't know, baby pee must smell like your pee, only nicer.

THIS atrocious contraption is the Cruiser diaper. OMG, look at all IT. And this photograph merely represents the front of the diaper. I could not stomach photographing the butt. The butt has Cookie Monster AND Bird Bird on it. If you look close, baby Elmo has morphed into a teenager. He is no longer wearing a Swaddler diaper. Hell, he is not wearing ANYTHING. He's naked horny Elmo on my infant daughter's diaper. Forget every girl's worst nightmare of panty lines, the obnoxious colors on this diaper show through just about every outfit the lil' dude owns. The colors are in purple and green, too. Um, gross. Is that Cookie Monster I see on your ass, beneath your Ralph Lauren bloomers? I am pretty damn sure I was about 16 when I decided to try wearing colored underpants. Up until that point, my mom did the shopping and laundry- she wears white scrubs to work in a white hospital lab, so white underpants were the choice, the whole household in white underpants. 16! The lil' dude is 7 months old! Her underpants have over a decade and a half of white left.

To answer your question, I have contemplated switching brands, opening every package of every brand in the store in size 3 to see if the lil' dude has white diapers left on her baby horizon. But, I picked this line of diapers for specific reasons. They are soft, stretch well, never leak, don't sound, feel, or look like a "diaper". The lil' dude is proud to announce she has remained diaper rash-free for each of the 223 days she's been wearing them.

I'm sorry, but I have to go. Off to send a comment or two to Proctor & Gamble's customer service website.

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