(I used Face
instead of another four-letter F word)
You’ve never been a
scared kid. You’re so anti-fear that when you actually tell The Dad and I that
you’re scared, we scoff at you, and admonish your feelings. We just assume
you’re bullshitting us as a default. Rock solid parenting right there.
But you’ve always
just been full-throttle, wide open on the highway of life.
And maybe fear comes
with age and exposure. You simply might not be scared because you don’t know
what to be scared of yet. That makes sense. Fear is commensurate with
experience.
What's So Scary?
I think of the
things in your decade of life that to outsiders could be scary.
- Getting eight stitches in your tiny cheek. You heard there would be Popsicles post.
- Riding the school bus. You only cared that your BFF would sit with you.
- Hearing that your Grandma G. had cancer. You simply wanted to know who would buy groceries when she was sick.
- Going to your great-uncle’s funeral. You said you wanted to sit between Grandpa and Grandma in the chapel and brought tissues to share.
- Saying goodbye to your dog. You only wanted to know how Daddy would handle it.
- Cliff diving. You actually had zero questions about this.
- Trying out for basketball. You just needed to know that we’d wait for you outside the gym.
Girlfriend. Looking
at your history, where the perception of fear has emerged, you handled it with
aplomb. In most of those scenarios above, your mother was in fact losing her
own shit, fear bubbling beneath my surface, sure to come out at any moment,
preventing you from experiencing any of those things.
Then again, I’m
quite a bit older than you and I know what’s scary.
And I for sure will
never, ever cliff dive.
Why am I Talking About Fear?
Because for the
first time in my life, I can see the world embracing fear more than any other
emotion out there. Humans are scared, and rightfully so. I won’t get too much
into politics or racism, feminism, or any other hot button topics, because
that’s not what I want you to remember. I want you to remember you have a
choice.
I remember a few bad
things that evoked fear in me as a kid, but nothing so overwhelming mundane or seemingly
everyday like it happens in 2017.
When I was a
kindergartner, the Challenger blew up.
I was a freshman in
high school when the Oklahoma City bombings took place.
I just got my
license when the Atlanta Olympics bombings happened.
There was Tonya
Harding and Nancy Kerrigan.
And then Eazy-E,
Tupac, Notorious B.I.G., and Big Pun died.
Columbine happened
when I was a freshman in college.
That shitty timeline
played out across my entire childhood, while today it seems like your childhood
is experiencing tragedy, despair, malice, and hate nearly everyday. The fear is
there, alive and well across all of our lives. You’re aware of it because our
house watches the news and discusses social awareness as an everyday part of
life. Not to be afraid or fearful, but to be aware. This is not the time for ignorance; there is no bliss in
that state of mind.
Parenting Through the Pain
It’s important for
me to manage parenthood in this day and age as realistic and delicate as I can.
I can’t protect you from the garbage, but I can expose you to it so you too can
give it a name. You can recognize the obvious good from the bad, and choose
yourself where to shine your light. Just as the newsreel fills with more anger
and devastation, I fill your feed with stories of good and people in the
literal streets post-storms scooping up puppies and grandmas and bringing the
good to the darkest places. I live that way so you may, too. It’s not easy,
choosing positive over negative every single day or shrugging off fear or
complacency instead of embracing activism.
Fear, if you let it,
will creep across everything holy and good. It will leave you empty and sad and
a shell of the bright, beautiful girl you are now. It leaves a bitter
aftertaste, and hardens you against all of life’s flowers, rainbows, and
unicorns. It has a place in the world, of course, and will always present
itself. Let it live there on the periphery, never giving it enough oxygen to
breathe and grow. That is your choice.
And eventually
you’ll find yourself amongst people who either invite or invoke fear on their
own. Respect them, but choose wisely. Staying will increase the likelihood that
you too will let fear be part of your life. I’m giving you license and
permission to walk away, even if those people are close to you. It’s more fun
and easier to coordinate outfits with the people who root for the same things
you do, Kid Rock. Trust me on that.
Fear is a Liar and Fear is an Asshole
And you certainly
don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Be awesome.
Mama loves.
1 comment:
Your timeline of "markers" in your youth are ones you'll carry with you forever. Looking back as a "senior citizen", the events were also spread out early but began to happen too often.
JFK, MLK, Bobby, Viet Nam as it kept deteriorating and the losses began to hit closer to home with no end, the too early, tragic deaths of students I worked with that grew over the years, suicide of a special friend, national tragedies like the Challenger and finally my last year in classes, 9/11.
You should publish this as a guide for young parents to look back on as they seek guidance in today's troubled times.
You have a way of providing comfort with reality that is needed today! Thanks for sharing!
Bob
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